At last, the next best holiday after Halloween is upon us. Every Wednesday night before Thanksgiving, millions of people across America hit the streets, debauch on cheap wine, make out, get stopped by the cops, lose a shoe, cry about something that happened in high school because they just ran into a person who remembers what happened in high school, dance to a popular song they hate, get called fat, get called “different”, incorrectly claim Native American heritage, laugh at someone less fortunate than they are, and eventually fall asleep in their cars. It’s a tradition that is as old as Thanksgiving itself–-although Thanksgiving probably came first, cause you can’t have an “eve” holiday without the holiday, now can you?

The point of Thankerween, I think, is to be a hideous human being while disguised as someone who is planning to be thankful the following day. Only, the following day, you’re too hungover and surrounded by relatives you haven’t spoken to since the last Thanksgiving to be thankful for anything other than a nap. Still, it’s a holiday that we should embrace because it is truly the most honest one of the bunch. There’s no religious connotation, no costume and no thanking. It’s pure id. It’s the time when kids come home from college and see other kids that have come home from college and both of them bond over knowing everything. It’s a time when you pull on your first sweater and go out in your home town and all the hugs you get are extra pervy. It’s really the scariest time of the year, and personally, I like to ring it in with some horror of the fantasy variety.

Last evening I started watching Black Sunday for the first time (a.k.a. The Mask of Satan). It stars the impossible looking Barbara Steele and is directed by Mario Bava. Let me say that this movie is 100% pure awesome sauce. It’s perfect for celebrating Thankerween (beginning a film on Thankerween Eve only to finish it Thankerween night is also a tradition that dates back almost 24 hours). Anyway, it’s got loads of style, is relentlessly Gothic and gloomy, and you don’t even mind that the accents are all over the place. It’s all about the sets and Barbara Steele’s eyes. I mean, check her out:

Am I right or am I right? Those holes in her face are from an “iron maiden” mask she was forced to wear two centuries earlier when it was discovered that she was all “down with the devil”. Now let me ask you, will you look this cool tomorrow after a few rounds of Jagermeister shots? Right, I didn’t think so.

Anyway, destroy the evening, cop a feel, feel a cop–just do as you like. And if you wake up with “the fear”, take solace in the fact that so many others share that same feeling. And don’t be ashamed for too long; we’re human beings and we’re a hot mess at the best of times, but that’s what makes us wild children of the night and believe me–you wouldn’t want it any other way.

Now, before I go to watch the second half of my movie, I would like to leave you with what I can only assume is a person embracing the full wondrousness of Thankerween while deciding what to wear for the evening. Ladies and gentlemen, a moment of Zentertainment you won’t soon forget. Enjoy, and good luck.